The New and Improved Romeo and Juliet
by Yukiko3
Summary: The modernized ending to Rome and Juliet. Now with added Scene 1!! Inspire me! Review!!! (warning: references to homosexuality, it's all used in fun, I have nothing against gender fulfiled people!)
1. Prolog

Disclaimer: Not mine!

A/N: Well, this be my version of Romeo and Juliet.  If the rest of it isn't as good as the last scene (which I will leave in the whole time) don't blame me!  I wrote that a year ago for school.  But I'll try to live up to my original!  Please Read and review.

Author thanks:

(yeah, I know it's weird to have these for the first chapter, but this is a redue! Anyways…)

JestaAriadne: Well, you get your wish.  I'm feeling inspired, and maybe I will get to Mercutio and Tybalt. *get's evil glint in eyes*  Thanks for the vote of confience! 

Scene One: the Prolog

Chorus-

        Two households, both alike in dignity,

        In fair Verona, where we—What is this crap?!  Who talks like this?  Who is the Joker who wrote this?

Random person-

        Umm, William Shakespeare

Chorus-

Oh, well.  He's dead, right?

Random person-

Yeah?

Chorus-

Good, we're doing this our way.

(Cue Eiffel 69 Music)

Yo listen up,

Here's the story,

About a bunch of guys who live in Verona.

And all day and all night and everything that they see

Is fighting famlies

Monties and Capulets

Stab that guy,

With your bigass sword

Destroy Montagues

Because Capulets all rule.

But watch out,

For the little ones,

'Cause their love

Is going

To depress you,

Depress you!


	2. Scene 1

Disclaimer: Once again, not mine.

A/N:  Heh heh  I'm back!! AND I got a bunch of reviews!!  5 in just 12 days!!  People, study these reviewers.  Learn from them and their review-y ways.

**evilficus**:  yes, I know, I'm great, what can I say.  Your fic, The Slash (rated M for mature) is pretty good, too ((shameless plug, but I owe you))

**Sharie**: (in monotone) your wish is my command.

**JestaAriadne**: yeah, well,  Eiffel 69's 'I'm Blue' is, was, and will forever be one of my Favorite Songs Ever!!!

**Eponine54**: Of course I'll keep it up!  R&J rulz

A/N: PS, This chapter is dedicated to Gunthor!! ^_^;

Act 1: Scene 1

(the chorus enters, heavily bruised.  One member has a tomato in his ear)

Chorus-

Well, the world didn't seem to appreciate our tribute to Eiffel 69.

Random People-

Boo! Hiss!!

Chorus-

Um, so, we'll, uh, just tell you what's going on: Two servants are walking down the street.  They have Capulet outfits on andswords and… ooh, shiny swords!! ^_^

(a brick hits them in the head)

RP-

Focus!

Chorus-

Oh, yeah! Um… So… they have swords and, um tights, and, uh, um, CODPIECES!! 

RP-

Eww!! Too much information!! Just start the bleeding scene!

Chorus-

Fine! The scene opens!

Sampson-

Ya know, those Montagues are waaay too full 'a themselves!

Gregory-

So whadda ya gonna do about it?

Sampson-

Duh, what do I always do when those dorks think they're so hot?

Gregory-

Um… run away?

Sampson-

No, I open a can o whoopass upon their sorry asses!

Gregory-

Oh, you do not.

Sampson-

Yes, I DO!  And then I… ya know… with their women.

Gregory-

Yeah right, you know you're a virgin.

Sampson-

No I'm not!

Gregory-

You're afraid of women!

Sampson-

No, I'm NOT!

Gregory- (over Sampson's shoulder)

Good afternoon, Miss.

Sampson-

EEK!

Gregory-

Gotcha!

Sampson-

Hey!

Gregory-

Oh, here they come now.

Sampson- (terrified)

Who, girls?

Gregory-

No, Some Monties

Sampson-

Grr…

(Here come two Montagues, Abram and Balthazar)

Sampson-

Okay, I've got my sword.  Why don't ya pick a fight, I'm right behind ya!

Gregory-

Yeah, waaaay behind me.

Sampson-

Don't worry.

Gregory-

Oh, I'm worried.

Sampson-

Fine, we'll make _them _start it.

Gregory- 

Fine. (to the Monties) Good afternoon, miss.

Abram-

Hey, I'm a GUY.

Gregory-

Oh, so you are.  I see you work for the Montagues.

Balthazar-

How'd you know?

Gregory-

Umm… you've got their insignia on your codpiece.

Abram- (blush)

Why are you looking… at… our codpieces?

Sampson-

They're kinda hard ta miss, ya know.  What kinda flamers put glitter on their codpiece?

Balthazar-

Are you saying we're gay?

Sampson- (to Gregory)

What happens if I say yes?

Gregory- (to Sampson)

They cut off your balls and feed them to their dogs.

Sampson- (to Balthazar)

No, I'm just saying, they're, um, eye catching?

Abram-

Jeez, stop staring!!

Gregory-

What do you mean by that?

Abram-

Nothing.

Gregory-

Are you tryin' ta start somethin'?

Abram-

No.

Sampson-

'Cause if ya are, I'm ready for ya!  My master is as good as yours.

Abram-

What, no better?

Sampson-

Well…

(Benvolio shows up)

Gregory-

Say "better", here comes another one.

Sampson-

Yeah.  Much better

Abram-

You lie. t

Sampson-

Have at you!

(they fight)

Benvolio-

Stop it you morons!!  The Ruler-Formerly-Known-As-Prince has…

(enter Tybalt)

Tybalt-

Yo, Benvolio, you chicken!  Are you attacking these poor servants?  I'll fight you.

Benvolio-

No, you won't.  I'm _trying_ to break this up.  Now, put your sword away, or help me!

Tybalt-

You've got your big pointy-stabby thing…

RP-

Sword?

Tybalt-

I can handle this thanks.

(stabs hapless random person)

Now, as I was saying, You're drawn, and you talk of peace.  I hate peace.  I hate it like HF1L, and

Monties, and you.

Benvolio- (under his breath)

That's not what you said last night…

Tybalt-

What?!

Benvolio-

Nothing…

Tybalt-

DIE!!

(a battle ensues.  It is a battle for honor, love, and, well, mostly cause they like blood)

(Prince Escalus _finally_ graces the scene, bringing the cops with him)

Cop1-

Break out the pepper spray boys!

Cop2+3-

Take this, Capulet/Montague scum!

(uh-oh, old peoples!! It's Mr. +Mrs. Capulet!)

Capulet-

What's going on?  Lady, give me muh sword!  I wanna fight too!

Lady-

You idiot!  You can't even stand without me.  And if you think I'm getting killed in there because _you_ want some action, you've got another thing coming!

Capulet-

B-but, Montague gets to fight!

(Montague and his wife show up)

Montague-

Lookee! It's Capulet!  I wanna fight him!

Lady-

No!  You will do no such thing!

Prince-

Hear ye, hear ye.  We, our royal highness the Ruler-Formerly-Known-As-Prince Escalus, do hereby decree that you stink!  If I see, one more sword, you will either die, or be kicked out of town.  I define sword as anything you cannot have as a carry-on on Verona Airlines.  Now, leave.  That's right, all of you.

(all depart)

Wait!  You, old man Capulet.  You will accompany us.  Montague expect us later.

Montague-

Ok, who started this?  It was those Capulets wasn't it.  Grrr…

Lady-

Benvolio what happened?

Benvolio-

It was those servants.  Two Capulets and two of ours were fighting.  So I tried to break them up, and that moron Tybalt ran up and attacked me.  He was completely unprovoked, I swear.

Lady-

We believe you.  Oh, by the way, have you seen Romeo? I didn't see him in the 'epic battle'.

Benvolio-

Ummm…I think I saw him moping around in the woods, three hours ago.  Seemed really broken up.  He was carrying this huge bottle of vodka I remember…

Lady-

Oh, that's nice…

Montague-

What do you MEAN, that's nice?  Romeo's in the woods getting hammered!

Lady-

So?

Montague-

This has to stop.  Ben, talk with him.  If you can't stop his delinquent behavior, I'm taking out my belt and beating his candy ass!

Benvolio-

No, I'll take care of it!  Please leave your belt on your pants!

Lady-

Let's go, dear.

Benvolio-

Yes, please, go.

(they exit and Romeo shows up)

Benvolio-

'Morning, cuz'

Romeo-

Is it only morning?

Benvolio-

It's 9 a.m.

Romeo-

I'm actually so wasted I can't see the sun.

Ben(volio, I'm just sick of writing it out)-

Sober up, you slush (throws a random bucket of ice water [don't ask me where he got it] on Romeo's head)

Romeo-

WHOO that's cold!  Sorry, I'm just depressed.

Ben-

Why?

Romeo-

It's a long story.

Ben-

Lemme guess… Your in love?

Romeo-

Out

Ben-

Out of what?

Romeo-

Love!

Ben-

How can you be _out_ of love?

Romeo-

(bursts into tears)

Ben-

Ookay

Romeo-

She was so beautiful.  She was the sun and the moon and… (blah blah blah, romantical crap no one wants to hear…)… and she didn't love me.

Ben-(fell asleep in the middle of the story)

Snore…  Huh, oh, are you finished?

Romeo-

Yeah

Ben-

So, are you going to tell me who she is?

Romeo-

She was light and…

Ben-

Her name?

Romeo-

Oh!! The fair Rosaline.

Ben-

That cow?  She a Capulet!!

Romeo-

But she's so purdy!  She's the purdiest girl in the world!

Ben-

No she's not.

Romeo-

Name one girl whose prettier.

Ben-

Let's see, there's Josephine, and Mariah, and…

Romeo-

I said ONE!

Ben-

Besides, isn't Rosaline a nun?

Romeo-

Yes. T_T  She has forsaken love…

Ben-

Meaning you'll never get lucky.

Romeo-

Jerk.


	3. Finale

Disclaimer: I don't own it

Chorus-

To recap.  Romeo has bought some poison from the apothecary.  He and Balthazar have ridden hard to reach Verona and are very tired.  They arrive at the graveyard--

Romeo-

Balthazar--

Chorus-

Umm… Romeo, we aren't done yet.

Romeo-

Oh, sorry.  Carry on

Chorus-

The scene opens

Romeo-

You made me wait for that?

Chorus-

Yeah, sorry

Romeo-

Arg!  Well anyway…

Balthazar, I want you to go.  One of us at least has to survive.  Balthazar, you know I don't plan on leaving this graveyard.  Tell my parents sob I loved them

(Turns and leaves)

Balthazar-

Romeo! (to himself)  Oh Romeo!  I love you!  Don't die for some dumb woman!  I won't let you.

Romeo- (to himself)

Okay, so the plan is: go in, find Juliet, and die at her side.

Go in… find Juliet… die (aloud) What's that?

Paris-

**What the?!!**

Romeo-

Oh it's you, Paris.

Paris-

Romeo!  What are you doing here?  _You're supposed to be "banishèd" to Mantua!_

Romeo-

Oh!  Well… something came up.

Paris-

Something came up?  I'll tell you what came up!  Your **_execution_**! You know what happens to someone in exile who comes back! (violent hand gesture)

Romeo-

You're close.  Actually it was—

Paris-

**I DON'T CARE!  I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!  Here you are, at the ****CAPULETS' Monument, with a crow bar!  Do you think I'm stupid?**

Romeo-

Your doing a fair imitation of it.

Paris-

I **HEARD that!  I know you hate the Capulets!  Your a _Montague after all.  Your going to break in and mess with the bodies.  I mean, it's your fault my Juliet died!  Out of sorrow, they say, over her cousin's death._**

Romeo-

But…

Paris-

No don't say it!  I don't want to hear it!  It ends here!  En Garde!

Romeo-

But, but, oh alright, fine!  Touché!

(they fight)

(Paris falls)

Romeo-

I just want you to know, Paris, I didn't want to have to kill you--

Paris-

But I'm still alive.

Romeo-

Oh, then, I'm didn't want to have to deal you a mortal wound—

Paris-

I think I could get better.

Romeo-

D'you want me to fix that for you?

Paris-

No

Romeo-

Then shut your trap.  Now, in we go.

(enters the monument)

Ooh, it's creepy in here.  All the dead Capulets.  Now, where's Juliet. Hmm… Whoa, that's not pretty.  Oh!  My Juliet! Oh my poor darling!  All cold.  Yet not pale?  Your lips and cheeks look bright and rosy!  I guess death couldn't bear to rob you of your beauty.

(look up)

Oh poor Tybalt.  Tybalt, Tybalt, Tybalt, you silly boy.  You should not have challenged me and Mercutio.  If you hadn't, maybe you would still be alive.  Ah well.  May as well get on with it.

(raises the bottle of poison to his lips)

(a door slams open)

Balthazar-

Nooooooo!

(crashes into Romeo, whose bottle breaks)

Romeo-

Balthazar!  I told you to go away.  Now I have to kill you too!

Balthazar-

Go ahead!  Strike true!

As long as I die with you!

Romeo-

What?!!

Balthazar-

I lo--  what the?!!

(stares behind Romeo)

Romeo-

Huh?

(Turns slowly)

Juliet!

(runs to her)

Oh there is a god!  Your alive!

Juliet-

What, didn't you know?  Friar Lawrence was 'sposed to tell you.

Romeo-

Oh he was, was he?

Juliet-

Yes, he-  Paris?!

Romeo-

Paris?  I thought you were dead.

Paris-

I told you I wasn't. Now get away from my fiancée!

Romeo-

Your fiancée?  Last time I checked she was _my wife!  That overrules your claim to her by a bit doesn't it._

Paris-

Yeah. Right. Like Juliet would marry a _Montague_!  Ha ha ha, that's rich!

Juliet-

It's true Paris.  I AM married to Romeo.

Paris-

Aww man.  Gimme that dagger.

Romeo-

Why?

Paris-

Just DO it!

( Grabs Dagger and stabs himself)

Balthazar-

Hey me too!

(Stabs himself)

Juliet-

Well that was unfortunate!

Romeo-

Yeah.  Well let's go.  If I'm caught here it'll be REALLY unfortunate.

Juliet-

Okay.

(they exit)

(enter Friar Lawrence)

Friar-

Juliet!  Juliet!  Juliet?

END


End file.
